Post-Finals Quarter One

Today marked the passage of quarter one. With complete exhaustion and utter humility I can say, I did well - despite it all. At 4:00AM this morning I was still begging my brain to remember countless dirty mnemonics to remember what all each of the 20 amino acids does/becomes. I was trying to remember every step and enzyme and enzymatic subunit of DNA replication, transcription, and translation. I was trying to remember what happens from the moment you eat your dinner to the moment what's left comes out. It seemed like billions of enzymes all starting with either gluco- or phospho- and ending in -ase. And the pathways! The pathways and their enzymes and things that can go wrong and what happens when things do go wrong, and what to do about it. . .and on and on and on. 500 pages of this!

If you are a pre-med student, do not tear-up your application. It's hard as Hell to get in. It's hard as Hell to succeed. However, it's great to be here. My friends and I discussed how it's similar to being in an abusive relationship - "It was my fault; I'll try harder next time." "If medical school didn't love me and want me to succeed, it wouldn't push me so hard." All right, that's a terrible analogy, but there's some truth to it. It's horrible, and yet, it's awesome. I bet you didn't know tonsils are also on your tongue and your palate. See - pretty damn cool.

It's worth it, even when I feel like I can't possibly take another day of this or another bad grade it all evens out, and by tomorrow, I will have had more than 3 hours of sleep, and that's truly wonderful.

What an honor - to learn so much about the secrets in every crevice and cell. It certainly isn't easy, but I'm glad I'm here.

Finals - Quarter One

I can now understand, with a great degree of clarity, why medical students become hardened and uncaring. Unless you've been there, or are here, you can't possibly understand the enormity of the task and the feeling of utter hopelessness. It's just school, how can it be that bad? It is.

I'm not sure if it's the countless numbers of mind-numbing, "I'll never use this again," details, or the lack of time for anything else, or the bi-polar grades. Probably it is the combination of it all. The material is interesting; I wouldn't be here is I didn't think it was. The frustration of never being well-prepared is extremely taxing. There is not enough time. There is never enough time.

So what do we do? I think probably learn new coping skills. Take time when there isn't any. Understand that mediocrity doesn't equal bad doctor. In fact, some of the smartest people in my class are going to be awful doctors. It's too bad, really, that in the US we base success on the ability to memorize.

I can't see a better way to do it. You don't want a manual-dexterity genius taking out your gallbladder if they don't know exactly where it is and how to stop bleeding. You don't want a pediatrician for your baby with a cleft palate that doesn't understand where neural crest cells go. However, for those of us who struggle with memorization, we are suffering, and we will probably not have the option of a competitive residency. You're loss.

For now, I will be happy that I'm doing well-enough. I will play my cello and go on dates with my husband. I will play with my critters, and I will try to enjoy medical school without becoming a business-woman. "Next, please. . ." I will do my best to look you in the eye and give a damn.