Survival!

I cannot tell a lie - third quarter almost defeated me. It is also true that most of my classmates did well. I did not. In fact, I almost failed three courses. Yes, three. I managed to salvage everything from the wreckage, but it was absolutely the most stressful time in my life to date.

Most medical students don't fail - we fight and claw our way to the top or out of the hole. Unfortunately, I am not at the top of the pile. This makes it very difficult to see myself as a competent physician. Wait! This post is not about to deviate into the dark; do not fear. It is something I have had to contend with my entire life - I am not that intelligent. How did I possibly get into medical school? I'm above average, but that's about it.

You don't need me to point out to you all of the doctors of the world who could recite their lecture notes verbatim from all four years of medical school and yet they can't identify a disease in a real patient. The human body just doesn't like to play nice.

To future doctors - I urge you to remain interesting. If all you've ever wanted in your entire life is to be an otolaryngoloist, you're awfully myopic. There are all kinds of interesting things going on inside one's patients. I have three goals - one is ridiculously lofty and the other two are reasonable. I will not be upset if I don't make goal number one. I enjoy learning and people are fascinating. It's too bad some students can't find satisfaction in these things. Perhaps it is a mixed blessing that I have to struggle so much.

And now - I will continue to enjoy some break-time before preceptorship begins. I have never appreciated my free moments more than I do now. Medical school is kind of like being a POW - it's terrifying and sometimes unbelievably horrible, and then you're freed and it's unbelievable. The simplest things are so beautiful - like sleep and painting one's nails.

Medical Students are Crazy

There must be an anatomy test in 2 days, because I've found time to blog. I'm not going to lie - the intimate details of the nasopharynx do not interest me one bit. Learning the material for this test is like trying to convince a teenager to practice the cello for 2-1/2 hours everyday. Considering that I used to attempt this feat on a daily basis I know it is impossible. Since I am not currently passing anatomy, this is a problem. Step one - I've admitted I have a problem. Step two - continue with blog and ignore problem.

We had a tornado this week which not only uprooted several locals and students, but uprooted our schedule as well. The dreaded microbiology case presentations were cancelled. I felt guilty for being so grateful, but there you have it, I was ecstatic - especially since I've chosen sleep over study recently. I spent Thursday helping clean up felled trees and brush from a local town. It was great. I became a doctor to work with and help people. Reality - medical school has nothing to do with that goal. I take every opportunity that presents itself to work with people in the community so I don't lose sight of my goals and forget that I really do like people. Okay, most people.

A room full of medical students - it sounds like the start to a joke - in a way, it is. I enjoy watching us, myself included, in groups like this. It's like having 172 type-A bosses all standing around and trying to be polite. It's downright hilarious. We enjoy each other, because we understand the pain and joys of medical school, but we can barely stand each other, because we're all so similar. Some take charge no matter what, and others stand back and talk about them behind their backs. Some ace test after test and they're idiots. Some fail constantly, and they're going to be amazing doctors. I have no idea how the world works. I'm not going to lie - it's fun to watch.

So there you have it - medical students are nuts. We know this, we're just trying not to have that fact documented on paper. Whatever you do, don't let them know you're bipolar! Good luck boys and girls. Now get back to studying.

Medical School with a Baby

It has been quite awhile since my last post. Shame on me. Things really got interesting in second quarter, and third quarter is unrelenting. And then I found out, back in February that I'm pregnant. Mini-me was certainly planned, but not probable. I was not intended to have children, according to my doctors. Here I am, almost 17 weeks pregnant and at least so far, no signs of any problems.

I was waiting for some real inspiration for a post. Something uplifting and wholesome for future doctors. Something that will make the pre-meds very excited. Unfortunately I have had no such luck. It's not that I'm miserable, I'm not, but it's absolutely grueling, and sometimes that takes a toll on my usually positive self.

Balance. It's such a simple word, really. However, if one adds medical school and pregnancy to the equation the calculus becomes much more interesting. My pregnancy hasn't been too bad. I've been exhausted and quite sick, but nothing too major to report. Medicine of course does not care. It's not that my professors are callused and uncaring; they have been great. However, were I to put off a test on account of morning sickness, then I'd have to double-up studying for the next day's tests. Not an option. I dragged my sick and nauseated self to an anatomy final. I was sweating bullets trying not to hurl (chunder, vomit. . .). I managed and I even did all right on the exam, but it was pretty awful.

Balance. I cannot and will not spend all day and all night of everyday studying. The people who do that are machines, and not in a good way. People are not machines and algorithms do not always work. Creative thinking does have its place. I refuse to see people as merely a set of numbers. Those numbers are important, but if the doctor can't think beyond that - well then, you're going to have a problem.

Balance. What if I forget to listen? What if I'm so busy that I cannot really look? What am I then? I am that doctor that everyone complains about. The one who walks in the room and says without introduction to a cancer patient, "We're going to have to remove that finger." True story. It's unfortunate that every medical student (myself included) thinks that we're never going to get anywhere if we can't intelligently define LaPlace's Law. It's simply not true.

Balance. What does student Dr. Anne recommend? That you lay in bed for a few extra minutes every morning to take in the sounds. Look around at the trees. Have a good cry. Try to do better. We must do better.